Speak Up

Assalamualaikum

dear diary, 

so I've just finished the second last program of PROF ( some sort of mahkamah style ) and the reason I brought it up here after a decade of not updating my blog is because I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH WHAT I'VE DONE. 

am I not putting enough effort? 
am I not good enough?
how come org lain usaha sikit je tapi org tu yg dipuji, yg org cakap hebat.
hmph
this is soooooooooooooooooooooo unfair

seriusly nak nangis sebab JEALOUSY. jealous bila ang yg terkenal dgn kehebatan dia utk berdebat, nak dgr dia puji saya jugak. and he ended up, "EH AWAK ADA CAKAP TAK TADI?" seriously? you're really saying this words to me? T.T *my hopes are crushed*

since then forward, mood saya swingging mcm daun kering nak tunggu kena pijak kasi hancur je.

I guess I'm not good enough. I even have this thought that, " maybe I should just stop trying"

BUT THEN, balik rumah bukak FB, kena ayat sentap.

 " Knapa kalau fail dpt or buat smthing dgn baik, kita dh putus asa, salahkan pihak lain, salahkan ALLAH, bad mood lepaskan kat org, meragam, buat hal, fikir perasaan sdiri je." 

MUHASABAH DIRI BALIK. CARIK BALIK KELEMAHAN DIRI SDIRI.
1. Prasan je effort dh cukup. padahal or lain lagi hebat effort dia agaknya
2. Cepat sgt putus asa. hmph. baiki ni ye kamilia ye
3. Niat tadi kerana ALLAH tak? all the way kerana Allah? are you sure?
4. Rilek sgt smpai ada sifat malas amik tau
5. Masih ada unwanted MALU
6. tak cukup brani lagi. kena pratice banyak lagi ni. ish ish ish
7. Allah tak kasi pujian manusia sebab Allah nak awak ngadu dgn dia and keep on trying. :)

so, thats it. puas sikit, lapang sikit hati bila dpt lepas kat sini. tadi rasa mcm nak ngis je. haha T.T

thanks sebab sanggup baca complain saya yg merepek ni.

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